Soap, water, maybe a washcloth. Pull back the grody shower curtain in a man’s domicile and that’s what you’ll find hanging in his bathtub. Guys just dont want to think too hard as they perform their daily ablutions. Stand outside the shower, turn the water on full blast, adjust to preferred temperature, and step in. Suds up, maybe apply shampoo, sing some popular tunes, off key and occasionally off color, rinse off, shut down, dry off. Apply deodorant and shave if it’s a work day. Done.
Women, on the other hand, have enough beauty and comfort products to stock a small mall, a closet sized version of the Body Shop lining every flat and hanging space behind their shower curtains. Recently, the Columnist had occasion to shower in his lady friend’s bathroom. Bathroom may actually be the inappropriate term for this area, a day spa in the Berkshires would be a more apt description.
Your unsuspecting columnist blithely pulled back the shower curtains, (another column may be necessary to fathom the reason women need an outer and an inner shower curtain), twirled the correct knobs and stepped in for a refreshing morning rub a dub dub. Water cascading off his back, he surveyed the scenery, searching for the shampoo.
In his own shower, the shampoo is easily detected since it is the only standup bottle in the compound. Here, however, your columnist was perplexed to see seven or eight tall plastic bottles, none of which had Shampoo written plainly and largely on its side. Recalling women talk about depilitating while in the shower intimidated this columnist, convincing him not to try an empirical approach by indiscriminately loading a handful of lotion on his head and then screaming in horror as handfulls of his hair fell out and began to clog the drain.
A major examination period followed in which the columnist, battling clouds of steam which would have forced a 747 to perform an instrument landing, tried to read the labels on a regiment of uniquely shaped bottles, any of which might have contained a simple shampoo. Hmmm, deep fortifying treatment, undo months of damage, restore and renew intensive... I dont think so. Caswell and Massey lavendar and Elder flower body wash, well, maybe if nothing else comes close. Aha, Seleca shine hairspa conditioner, good, put that aside for use after I find the shampoo. Lavendar salt scrub, nope, but geez doesnt this remind him of how his lady friend smelled last night? Neutrogena body oil. Nope. What’s this one? Avalon organic botanicals lavender glycerine soap. Nope. Running out of options here. If this takes much longer, my skin is going to resemble a pachyderm’s.
Whoa, what’s this over here? Says “Dove” on the label. Isn’t that a woman’s soap? Keep reading the smaller print. Shampoo? Yes!
In the meantime, I’ve single handedly lowered the height of the Quabbin Reservoir by several inches just while looking for the shampoo. Now, where the hell was that soap?